I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
