i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize