so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I would ride that face into the sunset
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
