Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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