i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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