Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'm really busy with my period
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