nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
