Your dad touched me again.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
