I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
