There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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