The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I want a musical about memes.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize