Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
