Who wears a wallet chain?!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
