I think I won the penis lottery.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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