Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
