we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize