Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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