"it" just moved
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize