How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize