I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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