How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
