i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
