You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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