The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
