I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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