I love black thongs
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
pray to the hookup gods
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
