I bet he comes in French.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
