And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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