If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
