I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
