So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
