I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
