I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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