Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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