peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
