maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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