I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
