My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
