My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
