i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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