So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
