i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
