i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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