we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
