does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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