I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
