My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
