If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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