And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
