Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
