I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
