i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
