Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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