dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Randomize
