fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
