True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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