Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
