WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
