the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
