dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
