i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
