He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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