pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
