Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
