Im at strip club and am horny
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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