I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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