So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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