we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
