is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
