Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
